Post by phrq on Jan 23, 2021 2:11:52 GMT
A fresh cup of black coffee is our focal point from the fade up. The words on the side of the cup have faded from years of usage but can be made out to read ‘you don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it helps.’ Directly next to it is a pile of battered files. The first one on top reads Richie Florida. Sitting down, James Christpeters shudders, and slams his fist against the desk. They all took turns with tbis one and for good reasoning. Every judge in the area knew him, every cop who put on a badge had a deal with him. They all couldn’t fucking stand him. But prisons wanted nothing to do with him. Not because he was dangerous. Which he was. But only because Richie Florida had the not-so-easy-to-earn distinction of being literally the stupidest man to ever walk the roads of Florida.
Pressing down on an the intercom button, James Christpeters sighs heavily and asks for him to be sent in. The door opens a moment later and in walks a string beam of a man. 6’2. 100 pounds if he weighs anything. His hat sitting on his greasy head reads “if you love Moses grab my staff” and while he’s shirt says “Property of Hugh Jass Titties”
Richie Florida: mornin’ hoss. Know what ya gon’ say and lemme splain it tew ya firs’. I was in the pet shop and there’s this lil biddy burb and he’s shivering’ cuz account he right under the a/c vents and what not. I tells them sumbitchs that works there I says this burb done gon’ freeze. You think they listen? So I says I gots to save it. So I sticks ‘em in my pocket so he can get warm. But the store so cold cuZ from the ac and such that he dun get no warmer. So I start walkin around the store, and he still nah warm cuz I’m in the store! I mean, hahaha, boneheaded move right? So I says to me, I says me, I gotta walk him bout the ou’side, get him some warmth. Next thing I know I got them no necks trying to beat my ass for savin’ a burb. I just knew they was bout to tackle me, so I let the burb go and tried to tell them I was local, so they’d be aware I wasn’t some weird ass terrorist tryin’ steal they burbs.
James Christpeters lifts a remote and points it to a nearby tv. A clip of the security footage begins to play and we see Richie dash into a pet store, grab a bird, shove it into his pocket and dash right back out. Two old women chase after him and catch him right outside. Low but audible, we can hear Richie pull the bird from his pocket and throw it into the air, yelling out his home address to the bird and telling it to find him. The scene pauses and James Christpeters sits back into his chair.
James: this isn’t even why you’re here, Rich. You’re here because you got a job and forgot to tell us. You signed onto...Fade to Black wrestling?
Richie Florida: no sir I did not. I got accepted into the Born To Frisbee league of professional disc masters. I think that’s what I signed for.
James: look. Let’s be real. You’re in here every week. Apparently this job of yours travels all over so we’re gonna approve it. If only to free us from you for a bit. Now you still gotta check in with a parole officer wherever you go. Got it?
Richie Florida: I do hope it pays well. I’d love to go and buy that burb. Apologize for startlin’ it like I did.
James: Rich you killed that bird when you put it in your pocket. Drop some urine on your way out and be good.
Richie Florida: I will. Also I shall dedicate my first disc golf championship to that birb and all other birbs who we have lost this yea’.
James: Rich, you’re not in a disc golf league. You signed up to fight other people. As in physical violence.
Richie Florida: Nah chief, I dunno how to play no violins, spherical ‘r otherwise.
James: Lis...you know what, i don’t care. See ya next week!
Richie Florida: Thanks, chief! Enjoy yer vacation’!
Richie stands up and extends his hand for a handshake, but it is left hanging as the parole officer swivels his chair and turns his back. Richie closes his hand into a fist and kisses, swaggering out of the office, and then the building, like the cat who caught the canary, and not the moron who killed it.
Stepping outside the office, he continues his swagger for a few feet, and then stops. His walk becomes more serious, more threatening, and his eyes more rageful. He stops walking, and looks across the street. His eyes fixated on something just beyond our sight.
“ Growing up, i never had nothin’ worth fighting for. All my clothes were hand picked from bins that my ma’ would dangle me intah. My shoes usually either came connected by a string or were duct taped when some other feller tossed ‘em out. Nicest pair of shoes I ever got was from a wire hangin’ ‘bove a street. Almost died from the current but man were them shoes nice. Weird how life takes you places you never thought you’d go. Jail. Prison. There is a difference, i tell you that. You don’t want to find out and I don’ feel much like telling. But I will tell this. I wasn’t lying about not playing the violin. I ain’t never touched one to know one. But if you asked if I could play a fiddle. Well same answer. ‘Cept I may not be able to play one, but I can play anybody like one. “
“ See they always see me as this bumblin’ foo’. This no good Jacksonville moron that ain’t graduated high school on account of him not graduating. But I can rest you certainly. I am far smarter than most will ever know. I am the kaiser suzie of the florida world. And those of you in the Ef Too Bee are about to find out first hand just how devious I can be. See, they may have stopped me with this burb. But what they failed to realize is that they played right into my hand. See I want a birb. But I don’t want that one. I want a bettah one. One that can do all sorts of tricks, for treats. I saw one I liked, and i wanted to gets it. Prollem being, I live on the other side of town and ain’t got no cash, on account of all my money being tied up in my ‘vestments. Thankfully the one good thing ‘bout johnny law, is the free ride they’ll give ya to ya parole officer, should yeh get in trouble. “
“ I can’t say how good any of you are at frisbee golf. But I can say with some certainty that none of you are as good as being cerebellum as I am. Me and this Jennifer Flowers guy you gon’ face, we gonna take that there scoober, and launch it into the air, and us into the record books. And you can take that to the bank. Trump 2024.“
Richie dashes across the street, dodging two cars, and runs into a high end pet store. A beat passes and he comes running out with a gray parrot in his hands, laughing all the while. The pet store owner chases after him screaming, getting the attention of a cop coming out of a neighboring dry cleaners. The cop drops his clothes, and steps into uses his batton to bash Richie in the leg, sending him flying to the ground and the bird flying into the air.
“ Excuse me officer, but I’ll have you know I can’t be arrested for stealing that bird. They already got me for bird thieving. That’s double jeepordee.”